The exhibition match of the century might be upon us. Never in a million years did I think I would find myself writing about a possible cage match and dick measuring contest between the world’s two biggest nerds, yet here we are. Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg are reportedly 100% ready to duke it out in a brawl aided by the resources available to the UFC, and the front runner for the venue is none other than the greatest stage in the history of sports: the Colosseum.
Rumblings of the fight began in late June, shortly after Musk replied to tweets reporting Meta’s new platform, Threads. When an account named frankenbeans jokingly warned Musk not to poke fun at Zuckerberg, Musk had this to say:
Zuck was quick to respond, firing back on his personal Instagram with three simple words:
And with that, it was on. Suddenly the whole world was waiting to see if this beef was real or just a sham for each billionaire to get ore users on their apps.
It was reported that Italy’s Minister of Culture reached out to Zuckerberg with an offer to host the event in the Colosseum, which would be the first fight since the last gladiator contest on New Year’s Day in 404 AD. Needless to say, Spartacus will roll over in his grave if the Colosseum ends up hosting the exhibition.
When news of the fight broke out, Dana White, president of the UFC, quickly jumped on the opportunity of a lifetime to sanction the fight.
For a little while the chatter surrounding the brawl simmered down, but in the past few days Elon has been on a tear on Twitter, chirping Zuck every chance he can get. From calling him a cuck, to suggesting a “literal dick measuring contest”, he has been doing his fair share to build beef and promote the match.
Now, chirping aside, there are some serious questions as to how this fight would even happen. Musk is 52 years old and has frequently said he dislikes working out and rarely exercises. Zuck, on the other hand, is 39 and has heavily gotten into Brazilian Jujitsu over the past 18 or so months. He even won a gold medal in the Nogi Master 1 White Belt Feather Weight Division and the Silver medal in the Gi Master 2 White Belt Feather Weight Division at a competition held in early May. Musk is also reportedly seven inches taller and 70 pounds heavier than Zuck, so the question of whether weight classes will be a factor must be asked.
MY THOUGHTS
Obviously there are no opening odds for a fight that hasn’t been confirmed yet, so I can’t yet say who I’ll be taking when betting becomes available. However, I will say that I think Zuck will dominate, even with the 70 pound weight difference. The 13 years of extra age will be a serious factor for Musk’s endurance and training regimen. It will be nearly impossible for him to get into Zuck’s shape at any point in the rest of his life, never mind an exhibition match that’s on the horizon.
That being said, when betting odds become available you bet your ass I’m sprinkling a little action on a Musk anytime KO. If those 70 extra pounds connect with the force of a Space-X rocket, Zuck will drop like a sack of potatoes.
As for what I think they should wager between themselves, money for charity is the obvious answer, but the controlling stakes in their companies would make the match the most serious. It would be the closest thing to a match to the death between these two, and although it will never happen, I like to imagine it being a possibility.