Hello loyal A2Z readers. Welcome to late night sports thoughts with Jack.
One time I heard the question: “Who would win by more? The New York Rangers playing the Texas Rangers in hockey or the Texas Rangers playing the New York Rangers in baseball?”
First of all, the answer to that is the New York Rangers would win by more in hockey than the Texas Rangers would win by in baseball. First of all, neither opposing team would score a point. The New York Rangers players, no matter how athletic they may be or how much little league they played, are not going to be making enough solid contact on 97 MPH fastballs with movement to score a run, and the many of the Texas Rangers might not even be able to skate, meaning they have no chance of even approaching the goal against NHL players. I have more confidence, however, in the athletes of the hockey team being able to cobble together 27 outs on flyouts from the baseball team than I do in the baseball team being able to stop the hockey team from waltzing down the ice and scoring a goal every 5-7 seconds.
Anyway, that’s not the point of this article. It’s just a part of the thinking behind the question I’ve been pondering, and the question that I’ll pose to anyone reading. Assuming you’re an average-ish person, or at least not a mega-freak who’s unbelievable at every sport, what sport would you look stupidest at if you attempted to play at a professional level?
I’ll start with this: the highest level of sports I played was college at the club team level (not NCAA level), so I’m assured in the fact that I would look pretty foolish attempting to play any professional sport. For entertainment purposes here, however, I’ll rank sports by the difficulty that I think I would experience professionally, primarily including football, baseball, basketball, hockey, and soccer.
Honorable Mentions
I want to give a quick shout out here to tennis and golf. These are both fun individual sports that I hope to get better at (mostly golf), but it’s barely even worth mentioning here because they’re not team sports, therefore I’d be automatically isolated and annihilated. In tennis I’d be thrilled if I returned a serve or even made a quality legal serve to my opponent. In golf, I’d practically throw a parade if I broke 100.
Don’t even get me started on MMA or boxing… I’d need an ambulance parked within 10 yards of me.
Now to the list, going from me being “best” to worst.
Hockey
This one’s kind of a personal thing. I’ve played hockey since I was like 6 or 7, not to mention that I had skated before then, and I got up to playing (club) in college; so, I played at a decently high level (in the grand scheme of hockey). Now, I’m not saying I’d be at all competitive in the NHL (or any real minor league/league with anyone over 16 that has professional potential), but I think that I could at least go out there and know what I’m doing. I could be easily hidden on a few throwaway shifts in the NHL because I can somewhat play hockey, but for someone who can’t really skate, this would probably be the worst sport.
This is not to say I’d be any good. I’d probably even be the worst player in modern (or complete) NHL history by a substantial margin. For the sake of this article however, I think I’d be the best at hockey when compared to the grand scheme of sports.
Baseball
Again, this one is more of a personal thing. I played baseball up to high school, so I think I could field some ground balls or fly balls. I would very likely make egregious errors relatively frequently, though, and on the offensive side, I would be lucky to walk or poke a single out a couple times a season.
This would be even worse if I played the positions I played most back in my baseball days: catcher and pitcher. First of all, as a pitcher I would be absolutely shelled to the point where the Oakland A’s would be offering me a contract to lead their tanking within two innings. At catcher, I’d be terrified of the 100 MPH fastballs that I have to crouch in front of, and even more worried that I’d get an unwanted makeshift vasectomy by a foul tip. No thanks.
Soccer
I have no soccer skills. I played in elementary school (and led the team in goals in my last year in 4th grade, by the way), but if you asked me to do anything with my feet and a soccer ball now I’d plead the fifth so I don’t athletically incriminate myself. That being said, with such a big field and a relatively large on-field roster, I’d be able to hide. I’d be gasping for air after running back and forth for those 90 or so minutes, but it would be relatively easy for my teammates to cover for me out there; with red cards, teams play with 10 all the time anyway. At least I can distract opposing players or get in their way or something.
To make it abundantly clear, though, I am bad at soccer even amongst my peers. This is more just a matter of the structure of the sport. Thankfully I live in the greatest country in the world and we have another football to play.
Football
Speaking of that other football, I’d be even worse out on the gridiron.
I’m actually a pretty strong, sizable person who can throw and catch at a pretty high level among people my age. Also, I know there are positions in football where I could just be hidden, like being a wide receiver that’s never even targeted, or completely disappearing as a tight end for 2 seasons like Jonnu Smith in New England. In the big picture though, I’d be a massive detriment almost anywhere else you put me. You could never put me at any o-line or d-line position, as I’d be served pancakes like it’s a 2:32 AM at IHOP kind of night. At running back I would be murdered if I consistently tried to carry the ball, and there’s no chance of me reading the game well enough to even think of being the quarterback (just think back to when Broncos WR Kendall Hinton had to step in and play QB and what a disaster that was). I’d also have a very hard time tackling or even remotely trying to backpedal whilst covering a receiver.
Hold on a sec, I’m getting a call… It’s the Houston Texans. They read this article and decided they want to sign me.
Basketball
Yeah, no shot. I can’t shoot even when I’m the only one on the court. I can’t dribble if I have to touch the ball with my left hand (but I guess Jaylen Brown’s going to get a max contract, so maybe I shouldn’t give up). I have a vertical similar to that of a ham sandwich. The best thing I could do on an NBA court is run away and stay as far away from the offense as possible and try not to suffer the fate of LeBron’s nuts swinging in my face as I get posterized on the defensive end. Essentially, I couldn’t possibly contribute anything other than going 2-for-27 if the other team starts to leave me wide open once they realize I could barely compete at the local YMCA.
I can’t even hide in a 5-on-5 game on a relatively small court. I’d be barbeque chicken.
In conclusion, no matter how much I call them bums while drinking beer on my couch, professional athletes are really good at sports. Goodnight everyone.