Bill Belichick has been known for putting out a fantastic D for his whole career. Since Tom Brady left, the Patriots haven’t seen nearly the success they had grown accustomed to, and over time, their legendary coach has been receiving more and more criticism. One thing that no one in their right mind is saying, however, is that the man can’t provide a solid D, even after all this time.
I am, of course, talking about Bill’s penis.
Yeah that was crude and probably a bit uncouth. You probably thought you were getting a football blog today, but alas, I will be talking about a 71 year old serving dick.
Who knew Bill Belichick and Brooklyn Nets point guard Dennis Smith Jr. had so much in common?
Now, if you were here to hear what insights I may have on sports today as a bright, educated young man, I’m very sorry. I promise that I am capable of providing that, but I find this story too hilarious not to cover. I sincerely apologize if any adult that I know and respect is reading this and is appalled at my lack of decorum.
If you’re still reading this and have no idea what I’m referring to, I probably sound like an immature neanderthal right now (maybe I sound like that to you regardless, but no one is making you read this). For the uninformed, I’ll provide some context.
(We’ve been having some technical difficulties with our website’s Twitter embedding recently, so if the above tweet isn’t there, you can copy this link: https://twitter.com/BabzOnTheMic/status/1722617031026164006)
Now, I cannot say with certainty that the man in the Ring home security camera footage is 8-time Super Bowl Champion Bill Belichick, but if it’s not, the guy certainly would not look out of place on the Patriots sideline in a hoodie with cut sleeves.
For the sake of the article, I will assume that is the greatest head coach of all time vacating the premises of a house that probably isn’t his whilst not bothering to stick around long enough to even retrieve his shirt. He also certainly doesn’t look like he’s at his Nantucket residence or in a classy upscale hotel. Ah yes, this has all the telltale signs of a classic “walk of shame”.
I’d say I’ve been there, but I have not. I’m not saying I haven’t been in similar situations, but unlike what we see in Bill’s exit, I lacked the shame, as you may have been able to gather considering I’m writing a publicly accessible article with multiple references to the schlong of a man who is old enough to have been eligible to serve in Vietnam.
But enough about me. Let’s get back to our protagonist. Did we really think this mastermind would be going out to the bars without a rock solid gameplan? Bill is known for scheming, but we didn’t fully grasp that it extends beyond the gridiron to his romantic endeavors. A strategy Bill employs that you frequently hear the analysts talking about is his uncanny ability to limit the abilities of his counterpart’s best weapon. What I’m speculating happened is that Bill ran bracket coverage on the girl in question’s friend that was likely saying something along the lines of “Ew, I know he’s the Patriots coach and he’s loaded, but he’s in his 70s and it might be kinda gross to sleep with him”. Similar to the way he would cover Tyreek Hill with a corner on him in man coverage with a safety over the top, Bill likely had two wingmen (Matt Patricia and Josh McDaniels) lock-up the cock-blocking (likely reasonable and logical) friend so Bill could take on his lady in single coverage, man-to-(wo)man. That’s just hall of fame coaching.
(https://twitter.com/flasportsbuzz/status/1566832819498029057)
Or he just met her on Tinder or something. I have no idea.
Alright, on a semi-real note. Assuming it’s real, who cares? It’s just a guy who recently went through a break up of a 16 year relationship with ex-girlfriend Linda Holliday. He went out, hooked up with some girl in what looks like it was probably a one-night stand, left without bothering to get his shirt (like the rockstar he is), and went back to his daily life. Maybe he regrets it, maybe he doesn’t. That’s Bill’s business.
A lot of people have been in scenarios a lot like this one, but Coach Belichick just happened to have footage of his great escape leaked onto the internet. While I’m sure most would agree that they wouldn’t want something like this going around if they were the subject, I choose to take a positive stance on this on behalf of Bill.
You see, a lot of the famously reasonable Boston sports media and Twitter personalities are going to be up in arms about how this shows a lack of focus and that Bill chasing some tail instead of constantly gameplaning is the reason the Pats suck so much this year. I think, however, that this shows exactly the opposite, and Patriots fans should be encouraged.
This is the evidence we’ve been looking for; Bill’s not too old, and he’s certainly not losing his touch. If this video shows us anything, it’s that Bill Belichick has still got it.
(https://twitter.com/picvidgifsports/status/1186480241339842560)