I just carved out the middle of June for joining a million of my closest friends and crushing beers and watching Duck Boats go through downtown Boston. Of course this could be for the Bruins, but, as a believer in math, it is a certainty that I will be doing this for a Celtics parade.
I’ve seen enough. The Celtics are undefeated on the road, are historically a good home team, and are currently undefeated overall. I can actually see the green and white confetti falling already (not for the Bucks).
“But A2Z Sports author Jack, it’s only been one game! You can’t possibly make that conclusion at this point in the season!”
Shut up, you square.
Let’s run some numbers. The Celtics are 1-0. If we extrapolate that over an 82-game regular season and the playoffs, using trend analysis and multiplying real sample results over the lifespan of the whole subject, we come to the concrete result of the C’s going 82-0 in the regular season, followed by a 16-0 postseason run on the way to the 18th championship for the franchise.
But, if you don’t believe me, and think that I must be biased, I will refer you to a second opinion. This opinion is one of a machine designed to eliminate bias and powered by the most notable technology in the sector of artificial intelligence. Surely that will be sufficient for your skeptical mind.
Along the way, Tatum will be the likely MVP and an effortless scoring machine. Porzingis will be an All-NBA player, putting up big numbers on both ends of the floor. Jrue Holiday will be a DPOY candidate, locking down opponents from point guards to power forwards. The new editions will be seen as rousing successes. Jaylen Brown will be a massive disappointment, unfortunately, acting as a turnover machine and fouling constantly, in addition to shooting poorly. The Celtics will have historically embarrassing bench production, which would be concerning if the model I ran wasn’t so bulletproof. It won’t matter, though, once that banner is raised. People say that it is completely unreasonable to overreact to one game to this degree, and that things change throughout the season. This, however, is not emotion, it is science. The numbers don’t lie.
“But Jack! This bullshit math could be done for literally any team that’s 1-0! You’re just being facetious to hype up the Celtics and piss off everyone else!”
Ok, nerd, whatever you say. But don’t come crying back to me when Tatum is crushing a Miller Lite (that I threw to him with a perfect spiral) and holding the Larry O’Brien Trophy on a Duck Boat this June.