March Madness is officially here, and what better way to kick off the tourney than a mascot vs mascot bracket.
To the uneducated, or inexperienced, a mascot vs mascot bracket is common amongst massive pools that include middle aged men with children. These aforementioned children don’t know their elbow from their asscheek, much less the difference between McNeese and Duke, so instead of formulating educated brackets based off of hundreds of hours of college basketball watching under their belts, they pick which mascots they like best.
This happened in the biggest bracket pool I’m involved with back in 2010. If your memory serves you right, that was the year that Butler made a deep run with Gordon Hayward, making it to the finals but falling short to Duke. A child who was no more than 4 at the time picked Butler because he thought the name was funny (haha, butt) and ended up winning the whole thing and making enough money to buy an endless supply fruit snacks for the next few years. Ever since that fabled year, I’ve been trying to recreate the magic.
Now, without further ado, let’s dive into the bracket, starting with the eastern quadrant and work our way clockwise around the compass.
EAST
UCONN (HUSKY) VS STETSON (HATTER)
A dog vs a hat maker…I’ve seen dogs chew enough hats that I know there’s some bad blood here. Now, if it were a hat vs a dog, I’m taking the dog all day long, but it’s not a hat that this husky is going against, it’s the maker of the hat, who is presumably furious about all of the hats this fluffy dog has torn to pieces. So, for this scenario, I think that the Hatter is the hungry dog who’ll run faster, and take this round one matchup in dominant fashion.
FLA. ATLANTIC (OWL) VS NORTHWESTERN (WILDCAT)
I’ve been quoted before saying that wings are OP in nature, but when it comes to a battle to the death, an owl doesn’t stand a chance against a wildcat. The reflexes, weapon-like claws, and a bite that’s hungry for bird makes a brutal matchup for an owl (Especially one that’s from Florida). The wildcat take this matchup in 4.
SAN DIEGO STATE (AZTEC) VS UAB (DRAGON)
Aztecs are some of the mightiest peoples in the history of the world, but a dragon is a dragon. Unless the Aztecs sacrifice their whole starting lineup, there’s no chance their mascot lasts even a single round against Blaze the Dragon. Blaze takes this matchup with a Jorge Masvidal-type round one KO.
AUBURN (TIGER) VS YALE (BULLDOG)
Similar to our last matchup, this one is a landslide. A bulldog is simply not built to fight one of the peak predators of the wild. It’s irregular breathing, short legs, and horrible endurance makes besting a bulldog light work for nearly any opponent. We have a few other schools who have bulldogs as mascots, so keep this in mind for later matchups.
BYU (COUGAR) VS DUQUESNE (DUKE)
I know that I just shat on bulldogs for a whole paragraph, but Dukes might have ‘em beat for the softest opponent in this bracket. In my mind and imagination, a Duke is a spoiled rotten individual who’d been raised by a silver spoon and hasn’t faced any adversity whatsoever. These Dukes wouldn’t have what it takes to put a sick bulldog down, much less a cougar. Cougar wins this one by a landslide.
ILLINOIS (ILLINI) VS MOREHEAD STATE (EAGLE)
If my quick google search does me justice, a fighting Illini is a Native American warrior, who by my logic is an interesting matchup for an Eagle. Maybe it’s the racist Disney movies like Pocahontas I’d watch growing up, or the flawed education I was raised on in elementary school, but an uneducated me would imagine there being two extremes of Native peoples, and the majority of sadie peoples reside on one of the two ends of that spectrum: Warriors or Nature Lovers. Now, of course my knowledge of indigenous peoples has grown since elementary school, and I know that these stereotypes are far from true, but I feel like sports mascots play into these child-like extremes, so why don’t we follow suit here and say that the Illini is a warrior who would kill a majestic animal like an Eagle. I think if that were the case, the Illini wins.
WASHINGTON STATE (COUGAR) VS DRAKE (BULLDOG)
Another bulldog, another win for the opposition. Cougar takes this one as easy as candy from a baby.
IOWA STATE (CYCLONES) VS SOUTH DAKOTA STATE (JACKRABBIT)
Is this even a question? A tornado vs a rabbit? GGs jackrabbit, thanks for coming out.
SOUTH
HOUSTON (COUGAR) VS LONGWOOD (LANCER)
We have yet another cougar, but this is a cougar’s toughest matchup yet. Since I’m not too familiar with Longwood’s mascot, I had to rely on my research skills, once again, and apparently a lancer is a horse meant for battle, but without a human riding it. If a human were riding it with a lance/spear in hand, I’d hand the W to the lancer, but since that’s not the case, they’ll have to take the L.
NEBRASKA (CORNHUSKER) VS TEXAS A&M (AGGIES)
At first glance, this looks like the most boring matchup on the bracket. A farmer vs a person who studies farming definitely isn’t as interesting as a battle with a dragon, but stick with me for one sec here: this is just a UFC match where huge country guys just throw haymakers (literally). The Cornhusker would be the heavy favorite, but that’s not saying the Aggie doesn’t have a chance. What a fight this would be to bet on, but I’m going to have to give this one to the Cornhusker.
WISCONSIN (BADGER) VS JAMES MADISON (DUKE DOG)
Alright, they’ve gotta be fucking with me now. Someone really combined what I called the two softest opponents on this bracket into one mascot. @PFTCommenter you should feel ashamed to call the Duke Dog your mascot. Badgers without question in this one.
DUKE (BLUE DEVIL) VS VERMONT (CATAMOUNT)
This is an interesting one, since nobody has any clue what a Blue Devil has in it’s arsenal, and what level of pain it’s capable of dishing out to it’s opponents. Since it’s a devil though, I’m going to lean to the side of extremely painful. A catamount on the other hand isn’t too different from the other mountain cats that we’ve seen so far (literally just a different name for a cougar), so for this round I’m taking the blue devil to win, half due to intimidation, the other due to unpredictability.
TEXAS TECH (RAIDER) VS NC STATE (WOLFPACK)
Raiders are historically some of the most feared enemies for the sheer fact that they don’t give a shit about you, your family, or your belongings; they’ll simply take them all. That being said, we’re talking one raider here, and raiders find strength in numbers. Wolfs are the same way, but NC State doesn’t just have one wolf as their mascot, they’ve got a wolfpack. For this reason, NC State moves on.
KENTUCKY (WILDCAT) VS OAKLAND (GOLDEN GRIZZLY BEAR)
If there’s any real world animal I’d chose to go up against last in this bracket, it’d be a grizzly bear. Just look up some videos of them fighting each other, running after cars, or just chowing on salmon and you’ll know what I mean. A wildcat would get it’s shit rocked if it ever decided to square up with a grizzly. That’s why there’s a food chain after all. I have a future on Kentucky to win the real March Madness, but they are out in the first round here.
FLORIDA (GATOR) VS COLORADO (BUFFALO)
Before going to Colorado for school and seeing a buffalo run on our football field twice a game, I would’ve given a gator a win here. Gators should get a high seed for their sharp teeth, bite force, ability to fight in multiple environments (not to mention speed), but a buffalo like Ralphie would trample a gator in one go, no exceptions.
MARQUETTE (GOLDEN EAGLE) VS WESTERN KENTUCKY (HILLTOPPER)
This might be the most comical matchup yet. Western Kentucky earned the nickname “The Hilltoppers” when they moved their campus to a new location, up on a hill, and all I can think about is a normal person running up to the top of a hill while fighting an eagle and thinking “this is the place where I’ll make my stand”. There’s quite literally no worse option when fighting an airborne species than that. Golden Eags win with flying colors here.
MIDWEST
PURDUE (BOILERMAKER) VS GRAMBLING STATE (TIGER)
Okay, a gritty guy who keeps trains running vs a tiger. What a matchup to start off the Midwest first round. Against normal folk, a tiger’s got it easy, but a boilermaker has seen some shit in his day. Shoveling coal, moving obstacles off the rails, and living on the road makes tough man. All that being said, it’s a guy going against a tiger. I don’t think any man without weaponry can climb that mountain and come out on the other side. This won’t be a quick match, but the tiger is winning for sure.
UTAH STATE (AGGIE) VS (HORNED FROG)
A frog is quite possibly the best matchup a guy who studies agriculture could land in round one. It doesn’t matter if it’s got horns or not, a frog is getting waxed by just about every opponent (besides a bulldog or a duke, of course). The farm nerd advances to round two.
GONZAGA (BULLDOG) VS MCNEESE (COWBOY)
Cowboy wins.
KANSAS (JAYHAWK) VS SAMFORD (BULLDOG)
Jayhawk wins.
SOUTH CAROLINA (GAMECOCK) VS OREGON (DUCK)
I know that cockfighting is illegal, but since there’s a duck in this matchup, would it still be illegal to make it a paperview event? It probably wouldn’t pass NCAA regulations due to violence, animal cruelty, and the fact that the gamecock would massacre the poor little duck on live television, but hey, never say never. Gamecock advances.
CREIGHTON (BLUEJAY) VS AKRON (ZIP)
Another interesting one here. A bluejay vs a literal zipper. On one side of the tracks, I don’t know how a zipper can be beat, but on the other side, I don’t know how a zipper, an inanimate object, could even win a fight. For the sole reason of keeping this competition interesting, I can’t bring myself to let the zipper through to the next round. Bluejay moves on.
TEXAS (LONGHORN) VS COLORADO STATE (RAM)
When I first though about it, I thought that this would be an even matchup, but after some research I found that longhorns typically weigh 700+ pounds more than rams. That tilts the see saw towards the longhorn, and even if they were around the same weight, I would’ve sided with the longhorn due to puncture potential with it’s horns. It sure does suck to be a CSU ram.
TENNESSEE (VOLUNTEER) VS SAINT PETER’S (PEACOCK)
Tennessee earned the name the “Volunteer State” for the efforts of many of their citizens during the 1812 war, where they went in as reinforcements with little to no training. The name was reinforced in the war for Texas’ independence from Mexico in 1836, and then again in 1846 in the Mexican-American war. As for peacocks, they symbolize many things across many cultures, but on their own they’re just a bird that’s full of themselves and their flamboyant feathers. Vols advance.
WEST
NORTH CAROLINA (TAR HEEL) VS HOWARD (BISON)
A tarheel was a worker who distilled turpentine and produced tar during hot Carolina summers, where they’d often walk around barefoot, collecting tar on their heels. So, once again we have a normal human vs a massive animal. How massive you ask? Well, a bison weighs between 1,000-2,200 lbs on average. A lowly tar heel stands no chance against that beast. Sorry tar heel, but it’s a no for me, dawg.
MISSISSIPPI STATE (BULLDOG) VS MICHIGAN STATE (SPARTAN)
Thank god this is the last bulldog that we have to fucking put up with. Even better, this is the bulldogs’ worst opponent yet: A goddamn spartan, the most feared soldier in the history of the world. There’ve been 5 bulldogs so far in this bracket, and the spartan could massacre all of them, with one arm, at one time. You’ve seen 300, right? Put him up against 500 bulldogs and the spartan will come out with a bloody smile.
SAINT MARY’S (GAEL) VS GRAND CANYON (ANTELOPE)
From quite possibly the two most differing ecosystems in this whole tournament, we have an Irishman matched up against an antelope. Once again, I needed to do some research, and I was shocked by my findings. Did you know that a male antelope averages 6-8 ft in length, and weighs between 418-694 lbs? No Gael is ever going to be able to compete with those numbers, and then you throw the antlers in the equation and this becomes a first round slaughter. Sorry Saint Mary’s, but Connor McGregor couldn’t even wiggle his way out of this one.
ALABAMA (CRIMSON TIDE/ELEPHANT) VS COLLEGE OF CHARLESTON (COUGAR)
There’s a technicality in this matchup. Bama was only called the Crimson Tide because their jersies turned red in the iron-rich Birmingham soil during one game back in 1907. They are still called the Crimson Tide, but their mascot is an elephant, which I’m sure you’ve seen on various college football fields. The cougar is definitely losing to the elephant, but now that I think about it, if a cougar went up against a squad of Alabama football players in stained jerseys, it’d probably still lose.
CLEMSON (TIGER) VS NEW MEXICO (LOBO)
So here we have a tiger vs a wolf who speaks spanish. No matter how solid that wolf’s accent is, there’s no way he’s talking his way out of this one. The tiger is bigger, badder, and meaner. Like I said earlier with NC State, wolfs find strength in packs, and since he’s solo in this mission, the tiger takes the win.
BAYLOR (BEAR) VS COLGATE (RAIDER)
Sheesh, the teams with raiders as mascots have had some though matchups. There’s simply no way a solo raider takes down a bear, ever. Jack, my cowriter, is a Colgate alumn, so it pains me to do this, but Baylor moves on.
DAYTON (FLYER) VS NEVADA (WOLFPACK)
Much like Longwood’s lancer, the war horse without a rider, Dayton’s flyer is a pilot without a plane. That’s about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop against a pack of wolves. Happy travels, and safe flights, Dayton, you’re headed home.
ARIZONA (WILDCAT) VS LONG BEACH STATE (SHARK)
This is a true battle of environments. In the water, a shark wins every single time, and the same can be said for a wildcat on dry land. Of course our last matchup brings needed clarifications. Okay, since basketball games are played on a court, these matches should be held in the same space. This gives the win to the wildcat, advancing Arizona to round 2.
And that does it for round one. Writing out all six rounds would fill about 10 pages, so I’ll save the rest for tommorow. Check back in then, and let me know your thoughts in the comments!